PRACTICE: HONORING YOUR INTEGRITY
REVIEW:
Being in integrity means-
to be whole, complete, all parts in their place
making clear agreements
keeping a minimum of 9 out of 10 agreements
recognizing when renegotiation is necessary before an agreement is due
clean up broken agreements
Being in integrity does not mean that you must be perfect all of the time. It means that you choose to value your integrity as the most important component of your relationships with others and with the All. You know you’re out of integrity when you energetically experience some form of emotional upset, irritation, energetic blockage or constriction, or interruption of flow.
Four major integrity breaches are-
not owning our responsibility
feelings we don’t acknowledge that we feel
not telling the truth or not being present and listening
not keeping agreements
So you should be clear here about what integrity is and isn’t, and what it means to be out of integrity. The practice you are about to learn is meant to be a way for you to stay conscious about your integrity in your every day life. And there’s a nuance here that is very important to note before we proceed.
Honoring your integrity is a matter of HONOR. And it’s not meant to be about morals. Instead, it’s meant to be about preserving wholeness, and completeness in everything you do... your personal and professional relationships with other human beings, your personal relationship with who you claim to want to be in the world, your personal relationship with what you claim to desire for yourself, your relationship to the universe, and your relationship with Spirit/God/the All.
It’s the 2nd most important component in your ability to SUSTAINABLY (meaning consistently and long term ability to maintain as the norm) have what you want. It is the thing that will allow others to trust you. It is the thing that will allow you to trust yourself. And in the practice of this you will notice how much more INTEGRATED your life will feel... as if everything you touch has more integrity as well.
SO, this practice is a good thing. It is a positive thing. It is a thing that makes you powerful. It is making sure that you are aware at all times whether or not all of the spokes are present and functioning in your wheel, and quickly adjusting, repairing, when you notice they are not, so that your wheel keeps turning and the bicycle doesn’t become useless for where you’re trying to go. When you start this practice you will notice a few things that you have been programmed to think about being out of integrity. You will notice your ideas about rightness and wrongness, about blame and shame, about pride and ego. You will notice how challenging it is to not offer reasons and excuses for why you were out of integrity. You will notice the urge to defend yourself against what you think other people might think of you if you own up to being out of integrity. You will notice how your inner dialogue about being out of integrity is abusive and discompassionate. You will notice how when the impact seems to only affect you, you may have hesitation to reveal it, or even find yourself discounting the importance of restoring your integrity.
These will all begin to disappear when you regularly and frequently do this practice. The trick is to NOTICE/OBSERVE what it feels like, rather than REACT to what it feels like. Let yourself be still internally long enough to check the sensations you feel and just observe objectively, without judgement, the adjust whatever thoughts do not serve your ability to do what you need to do, which is HONOR YOUR INTEGRITY AT ALL COSTS AND ABOVE ALL ELSE. Practice this enthusiastically, as if it’s important to you, as if you are HAPPY to do so, and as if it is the one thing you are most proud of about yourself.
Honoring Your Integrity
HOW TO RESTORE INTEGRITY AFTER THE FACT
Acknowledge the Breach- Be enthusiastically vulnerable and honest without hesitation as soon as you realize the breach, and happily acknowledge how you’ve been out of integrity. DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES OR EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE OUT OF INTEGRITY. YOUR REASONS DON’T MATTER.
Acknowledge the Impact- Be vulnerable and honest about the various impacts and/or potential impacts your breach of integrity has (whether it be impact to the world around you, to yourself, or another person)
Reintegrate- Establish what needs to happen to restore integrity, be it reparation, adjustment of behavior in the future, atonement, preventative measures, etc...
If there is another person involved “I’m sorry” isn’t necessary. In fact, it may be harmful depending on what the impact was. If there was devastating harm, it’s okay to say I’m sorry, as an expression of empathy, if you truly feel bad. But telling someone you feel bad is not restoration of integrity, it is a subtle manipulation to gain sympathy or satisfy their potential wish for you to feel bad about what happened. You are not obligated to feel bad. You are only obligated to honor your integrity and acknowledge that you understand the consequences when you don’t. HOWEVER, do always express appreciation for however you would like them to respond whether they respond that way or not. “Thank you for your patience.” “Thank you for understanding.” “Thank you for continuing to trust me.”
If you are unsure if the matter is complete, then you may ask the person you are restoring integrity with if they feel complete. “Do you feel complete around this matter?” But most of the time it won’t be necessary as long as you’ve been very conscious about where you’ve been out of integrity. If they say they are not complete then simply listen to what they feel incomplete about and restore integrity around that as well.
HOW TO RESPOND WHEN SOMEONE RESTORES INTEGRITY
Within the emergent paradigm, it is important that you understand that restoration of integrity is not a request for forgiveness or absolution. It is not a transaction to relieve guilt. This is a personal practice of expressing one’s personal value of one’s personal integrity, and of restoring that integrity when necessary. It has nothing to do with whether or not the person begrudges, blames, or holds any problem with you. Your restoration of integrity is not saying “I’m sorry.” And “I’m sorry” isn’t a part of the practice. It is simply communicating your own awareness that you have in some way breached your word, or an action that was expected of you, or a commitment you’ve made to yourself even.
SO! With that in mind, WHEN SOMEONE RESTORES INTEGRITY, PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND WITH THINGS LIKE, “It’s okay” or “No worries” or “I forgive you,” etc...
We do not seek forgiveness as self service. These responses are ego transactions. We are interacting at the higher self level of consciousness in this community when it comes to integrity. Forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving, to release themselves from begrudging thoughts and attachments to resentment. You do that in your fear inventory practice.
The proper way, then, to respond to someone restoring integrity with you is to simply say, “Thank you.” That’s it. They may ask if you feel “complete.” Which means the subject is closed. If they ask you if you feel complete about it, then simply say, ‘Yes, thank you.’ And if you don’t feel complete, because something wasn’t acknowledged, then you may bring whatever it is to their attention. And they may restore integrity around that as well. But you are not to console as a response to restoration of integrity.
HOW TO RESTORE INTEGRITY IN ADVANCE
Be self aware enough to notice IN ADVANCE when you are going to breach integrity and make the necessary adjustments through communication or renegotiation whenever possible to prevent a breach. For example you made an appointment with someone. As soon as you know that you cannot make that appointment, let them know and reschedule, acknowledging the inconvenience and thanking them for their patience. Another example would be that you told someone you would help them with something, but a few days later you changed your mind. Let them know right away that you won’t be able to do what you agreed to do, acknowledge the impact it may have on them, let them know that in the future you’ll be more careful about making promises when you’re not sure what you want, and thank them for understanding.
EXAMPLES
EXAMPLE ONE
I would like to restore my integrity. I acknowledge that I said I was going to be here at 6pm and arrived late.
I acknowledge that the impact is that you had to wait for me and we will have to be here later than planned.
Next time I will make sure that I’m here on time.
Thank you for waiting patiently.
EXAMPLE TWO (restoring integrity over an upset)
I would like to restore my integrity. I acknowledge that I am resentful that you said, “no,” to me .
I acknowledge the impact of my resentment is that I am unhappy, depressed, experiencing self doubt, and and losing my desire to try again, and that I have created disconnection between us by making you the villain and myself the victim, and I have made you responsible for making me feel that way.
I will remind myself that what I made your saying, “no,” mean is not the truth. You have a right to personal sovereignty and a right to say, “no,” and it doesn’t mean anything about me. I am worthy, I haven’t failed until I give up, and I will can still have what I want. You are not a villain and I am not a victim. And you are not responsible for my feelings of insecurity and self doubt.
Thank you for being honest with your answer, and for being patient with me in my initial negative response.
That’s it. You can put this into practice right away, and from now on as we take this journey, please restore integrity in this way, using these steps for ANY breach of integrity that comes up related to what anything you do... including skipping or half-assing your DAILY practices, experiences of upset of any kind (resentment, stressed out, worry, irritation, anger, fear, helplessness, perceived loss of control/power, perceived lack, self doubt, etc... are all breaches of your integrity in the form of a thought or belief). And try it out with people in your life.