REWRITING STORIES DEMO pt. 1
I’m going to share my work with a woman who is unnecessarily suffering due to something that happened several years ago in the past. I’m going to be guiding her through the process of re-writing the story of what happened so that it serves her rather than causes her suffering. This exchange takes place over the course of a couple of weeks time. This is the first chapter. I will be sharing this clients journey in “episodes” because it’s a bit of a doozy of a process I’m taking her through and she’s a doozy of a storyteller too. I believe that you can benefit from this, and at the same time I want you to remember there are personalized variables that I’ve employed for the individual. Keep that in mind. Everything won’t apply to you. So, here it goes....
Part One of my Re-writing Your Story Demonstration-
Brig:
Ok! Let’s jump right in. Without getting too deep, because you are already aware of the 7 principles of Hermeticism, and I believe I’ve also covered the Karpman Drama Triangle, right?
Brenda:
I’m not sure about the Drama Triangle. Is it posted? Read about it. Persecutor, rescuer, and victim.
Brig:
The drama triangle is a form of storytelling that we learn at a very early age through books, and media and through the stories we hear others tell. There is an exalted and a toxic form of everything. The Karman Triangle is a toxic form of relation perception because in it, there are rigidly assigned roles. There is always a victim always a villain, and always a hero identified in the story.
Brenda:
Got it.
Brig:
That’s problematic for many reasons. Things aren’t usually that simple. It defies the laws of metaphysics and the laws of Hermeticism as well. In your storytelling using this format, you must be one and only one of the three. Likewise anyone else involved in your story must be one and only one of the three. And cannot be one that someone else is identified as. There can never be two victims and there can never be no villain, in this form of storytelling. There can never be a villain without a victim, and no hero without a villain, and so on. This falsifies most stories. Especially when you apply the principle of correspondence, “As above, so below” and the law of polarity which says that opposites are differing degrees of one thing. So what I’m going to ask you to do is first tell the story that you’ve been telling about this friend who hurt you. And tell it just as you always would, so that I can understand why you are hurting.
Brenda:
Ok. Instead of speaking directly to me about some grievances she had with me, she chose to talk about me behind my back to several people, all while acting as if we were cool for months. Then one day she sent a seething and spiteful email accusing me of multiple infractions, most of which weren’t true or even based on fact. Additionally, she brought up various unrelated topics, which let me know she’d been feeling some kind of way about me for a while, but never came to me with any of it. This all came to a head when she visited me right before I left DC. It just so happened that another friend also chose to see me that same weekend.
Brig:
Are the grievances themselves important to this story and how you feel about it? For example would you feel the same if the grievances were more trivial? If the grievances are important, say what they were and why they are important to you. It’s all a part of your story. Name the grievances, accusations, and infractions you speak of.
Brenda:
Person A, the “persecutor” said I disrespected her by waiting until the last minute to tell her that Person B was coming through. This was not true; Person B literally hit me up within days of Person A’s arrival to say she could and wanted to come. I told Person A as soon as I knew.
Brig:
Was Person A a lover?
Brenda:
Only a friend; never a lover. But that segues into another false accusation. She claimed that I came onto her and didn’t have boundaries as a friend.
Brig:
Ok, then what happened?
Brenda:
I did no such thing! I asked her and SEVERAL other people a simple question: what’s your favorite sex position? Everybody else just answered that shit. She claimed I was “testing” her. But I know she’s straight, and I’m not a sexual predator. Also, grownups are supposed to be able to talk about sex. Plus, before I revealed to her that I was bisexual, we used to talk about sex all the time, and in great detail. She also claimed I cursed her out in front of Person B. Not only do I have no recollection of ever cursing her out, there’s absolutely no reason for me to have done so. Then she went on to ramble about money and how I didn’t tell all of my friends who my male lover was at that time, but that I stayed in other people’s business.
Brig:
Ok. Could this all be summed up basically by saying that you told her you were bi-sexual and she was uncomfortable with that? Like all of the rest was possibly her putting a wedge between you because she was uncomfortable being your friend once she knew? Was she like this before you told her?
Brenda:
Actually, I chose to only tell her about him because I didn’t expect to be more than lovers with him.
Brig:
It sounds like there were many conflicts between you. What did you lose? Why do you still hurt?
Brenda:
I don’t know what the fuck brought all this on. She seemed fine knowing it until she demonstrated that she obviously wasn’t. We all know tons of gay and bi people, men and women alike. So I’m not sure where that crazy shit came from. However I was reminded by a different mutual friend that she had made that specific accusation about another party in the past. So clearly she has issues with bi and lesbian women. I lost trust. She was one of my closest friends; we’d known each other at least 20 years. And, I told her that what hurt me most was the fact that she never once chose to speak to me about any of this crap. All of it could’ve been easily resolved with a face-to-face conversation. And I’m open to constructive criticism. I want to know if or when I hurt somebody I care about. I even mentioned the fact that every other time I had a problem with her in the past, I brought it to her, and we talked it out. But, for her to state that this was uncharacteristic behavior on my part and still choose to talk about me (to other people) is something I can neither understand nor respect.
Brig:
What was the damage she did by talking about you to others? (Other than betraying confidentiality?)
Brenda:
I don’t have any spokespeople under my employ, so nobody can say what’s going on with me but me. And the mammas she chose to talk to filled her head up with all kinds of extra, unnecessary, inaccurate bullshit.
Brig:
What was the damage done to you as a result of her talking to them?
Brenda:
Besides destroying my ability to trust her, she’s also tarnished my reputation by lying. I don’t care what strangers think of me, but I’m also not going to run around to all of the mutual friends we had and try to set the record straight either. But it’s fucked up that I’m still hearing about all of it when this shit went down back in 2012. Why is my name still in her mouth?
Brig:
You’re still hearing about it because whatever you’re supposed to be getting from this experience, hasn’t been got yet. What lie did she tell that damaged your reputation, and can you explain specifically the damage? Were there consequences? Like, did you lose friends? Did you lose a job? A lover? Money?
Brenda:
I’ve heard that she’s said that I came on to her. That was never true. Not only that, but I also haven’t come out as bi to everyone I know. So she lied and put my orientation on blast. To my knowledge, I haven’t lost any friends. There was one friend who was collateral damage for a while but I made amends to her directly and we’re cool. Another friend recently mentioned my “falling out” when I asked what she’s doing for her birthday later this month. She’s choosing not to invite Person A, but I never said anything to her about this shit. So I’m not even sure what that broad said to her. I lost the belief that I could share all of myself with my friends. I feel much more guarded now than I ever did because I don’t want people assuming shit that ain’t true. I’d begun to censor myself and isolate more. The core group of friends I grew up with is jacked up because I really only ever see those individuals on e at a time now. None of us change together anymore. I sued to be the glue; whenever I was in town, we’d all gather and catch up. But since I didn’t want to be messily getting the rest of them involved in this foolishness, I stopped planning powwows. So i didn’t lose individual friendships, per se. But I lost one of my women’s groups.
Brig:
What is the biggest loss in the whole thing?
Brenda:
Trust
Brig:
In?
Brenda:
Her, people, myself.
Brig:
But trust in what about her, people, yourself?
Brenda:
It never came easy to me in the first place; now I feel unsure in ways I didnt’ before.
Brig:
Unsure about what?
Brenda:
Her ability, desire and willingness to be as good a friend to me as I felt I’d been to her. People’s capacity to be honest and accepting. My ability to discern those who have my best interests vs those who are just waiting to fuck me over.
Brig:
Ok. Is there any more to this story?
Brenda:
I feel unsure about whether all of my close relationships are emotionally safe. I thought that one was, but I was wrong. Wrong for two decades. I think that’s it.
Brig:
Ok. Thank you. I can feel your pain. The worst is when your story doesn’t have a savior/hero to complete the formula. It’s why it’s a great way to tell a fairytale and a shitty way to tell a real life experience. Means you don’t get saved from the drama and suffering. Worst kind of story ever. I love you. And your story sucks. But I don’t think you need me to tell you that…
Brenda:
The one thing I know I did wrong, I acknowledged it. Everything else felt like sucker punches.
Brig:
You left that part out of the story. *smiles* Do you have time this evening to do a 3 hour exercise before we continue?
Brenda:
Three hours? I have a class early in the morning. What does it entail?
Brig:
The fourth step of the twelve step program. It is four worksheets that you need to spend 45 min. on each one. And all three must be don together back to back in one sitting.
Brenda:
Fuck!
Brig:
How much do you want to get free?
Brenda:
Alright. I’ll do it.
Brig:
Let me see if its on one of the groups already….
Brenda:
It won’t happen tonight. I’m too sleepy. Why do they take 45min. each, especially for only one person?
Brig:
What you need to do is start the first sheet, and keep writing til you can’t think of anything more to add. Us the back of the paper if you need to. If you finish early, spend the rest of the time reviewing and reflecting on your answers. Where it talks of compensatory behavior you are looking at surface behaviors that compensate for perceived lack of something you desire. This exercise is about identifying compensatory behaviors and becoming aware of the impact so that you are clear about what’s what before you rewrite the story.
Brenda:
Wait. You want me to do the first table or the compensatory behaviors sheet? Separations behaviors comes first in the document.
Brig:
All four sheets. 45 minutes each sheet. In the order they are in.
Brenda:
Okay.
****Click the link and do the Relationship Impact Inventory Exercises, then return here to continue with Part 2 of the demo which continues below…
REWRITING STORIES DEMO Pt. 2
My work with Brenda continues, FIVE DAYS LATER, when I’ve received nothing from Brenda. No assignment, and no update. So I send her a side-eye emoji via text. We’ll pick up there…
Brenda: Yeah, procrastination. It’s on my to do list for the day… after my date.
Brig: Okay, well, I won’t be able to continue before I’m back in L.A. on Wednesday. But most important thing is to get it done and do it all in one sitting.
Brenda: Duly noted
[next day]
Brenda: Homework’s done. Took less than an hour, thankfully. Avoided it for nothing.
Brig: What do you mean? You are supposed to do 45 minutes per sheet woman! Which means you spent about twenty minutes per worksheet to fill in answers and actually get present to your answers. You’re cheating! That was part of the instructions I gave you.
I detect some aversion of some sort. You are avoiding for nothing even if you did it as I instructed. You have some aversion here to address. If this didn’t end up on your worksheets it should have.
Brenda: But it didn’t take that long. You also said to write until I couldn’t write anymore. What was I supposed to do after there was nothing left to say?
Brig: I said write until you run out of things to write, then go back for the remainder of the time and slowly read through your answers and see how you feel about what you’ve written, see if anything more comes up to add. And stay with it til the 45 minute timer on each.
Brenda: You surely did. I just reread that instruction right this moment. Fuck me! Do I have to start all over again?
Brig: But I really want you in this moment to look at the aversion you’re feeling. I’m plugged into you and I feel it. Ive felt your aversion before. I sense it has to do with your imagined capacity for having.
Brenda: Imagined capacity for having?
Brig: We each have a “havingness level.” That is, the amount of “having” that we think is possible. When I speak of having, I’m speaking of anything that feels purely for you.
Love, comfort, sex, luxury, attention, affection, support, opportunity, knowledge, etc…
And typically there are two ways we imagine our havingness level… one is based on a resistance to the cost of having, the other is simple fear of the unknown, because having more is unfamiliar.
Typical emotions that are symptomatic of hitting your havingness level are perceptions of overwhelm or exhaustion.
Is anything of this ringing your bells?
Brenda: Yes ma’am.
Brig: LOL So. Good. I’m going to give you a gift right now that you need to commit to memory. Engrave it on your heart. Whenever you feel dis-ease, unrest, powerlessness, overwhelm, etc… there is somewhere in the way you are thinking that is out of integrity with the truth of who you are.
This is always true. No matter what’s going on around you. No matter what you think is causing your upset.
And the remedy is a bigger game, in this particular instance, because you respond to challenge as if it’s too much. That means it’s not enough… But we’ll come back to that. Just remember I said this, and self observe that your anxiety is related to the feeling that you have more than you can afford right now on your plate.
I speak into the You that dreams of even more than this because what you’ve already got is already yours. All of it.
And so what’s happening is you’ve chosen to have more than you have allowed yourself to accept as possible. So everything expansion requires of you feels very expensive, like you’re always scraping for pennies to eat lunch while studying at Harvard, even though they have free meal plans for low income students…*chuckles*
There a lot of “Oh my gawd I don’t know how I’m gonna do this…” and it’s just resistance but you’re already doing the thing so its like trying to drive a car with your left foot still on the ground with the door open.
And perhaps some of it is real worry and self doubt but I sense that a lot of it is you trying to convince yourself that you’re doing something big, because your higher self knows that you can play even bigger than this. (This stuff is just coming through rapid fire right now…)
So as this is coming through me, I’m chuckling because I know you don’t wanna hear a word of this. But it’s the truth. What your higher self desires of you is bigger than you imagine. It will require you to let go of your imagined limitations, and to embrace calmness and compassion for Self, when you’re stretched.
You’re already doing it. And your next level is to stop resisting what you’re already doing.
Brenda: The imagery I got is of my overgrown ass trine stay in the kiddie pool when I really need to be training for the Olympics. I feel very much like a punk. Fuck.
Brig: Ha! That is your bigger game in the moment. Allow your journey to unfold with joy just because it’s more fun that way.
Brenda: Calmness, compassion, let go
Brig: What you desire is going to cost letting go of some things that you are attached to for long enough to not know they arent’ who you really are. They can be detached. Self doubt, the idea that you are fragile or precious, the limitations of the illusions of time, space, and money, the idea that any external ANYTHING can make you helplessly suffer internally for any significant length of time…
They are not who you are. They are programs installed after birth. You will have to choose to uninstall them even if your not looking forward to getting used to the upgrade.
Imagine right now how this aversion to surpassing your havingness level is affecting your relationships.
Brenda: Jesus… the lack of sex alone
Not to even mention all the other non-sexual intimacies I’m missing out on.
Brig: And with that said… Do you think you might want to go back and do this exercise again? *grins*
Brenda: Fuck me! I mean, sure.
Brig: All night long til you can’t walk straight, baby!! You’re fun. Haha!
Brenda: But am I supposed to focus only on the one relationship with the “hero-less victimizer” who ain’t my homie no more? Or all of them?
You’re fun too. The tough love you give is like a spanking one actually enjoys, lol.
Brig: Orgasmic Meditation did that to me.
This is about you and how you operate in your relationships. All of them.
Brenda: Okay. So, it’s gonna be 180 minutes total, then?
Brig: LOL Yes, 3 hours.
[next day]
Brenda: It just dawned on me that you’re my Morpheus, and like Neo, this is my breaking free from The Matrix moment. Thank you. procrastination. It’s on my to do list for the day… after my date.
We continue the next day, when Brenda reports in….
Brenda: Four pages, 45 minutes each— DONE.
Brig: Yay! You did it! Now, can you either email me scanned copies or take clear, well lit photos and send so I can look it over and we can proceed?
Brenda: Yep. I’ll go scan them now.
Brig: Ok, here we go. 1) What was the first thing you observed about yourself that you were less present to prior to doing this?
Brenda: On the Separation Behaviors sheet, I think I was most surprised by how egocentric most of the motivations were. Like, I knew my ego was tripping, but not THAT much. Every single one involved some sort of intentional disconnection, whether I cut folks off, or I ceased to socialize. I am legit masterful at keeping people at a distance.
Brig: 2) Under Separation Methods in response to number 2, I want you to add on a new row… “Being protective of my ‘buinseness’, obsessed with privacy, keeping secrets, harm-people don’t know the real me, I am not free to be my authentic self, I live in fear…” or something to that extent. and fill in the repair column. Certainly you realize you use secrets sa a way to keep yourself separate from those who cross your path, right? Why else concern yourself to the point of fearfulness about whether someone will tell your secrets? The motivation for your upset is a form of separation in itself. *grins*
Based on what youve done here you should have used front and back of the page on each of these and still had plenty more to list. You are barely scratching the surface with your answers and that’s why I insisted on the time windows.
3)Regarding Separation Behaviors page- Surely you can list more than three people you demonstrate separation behaviors with. I am SURE of it. Who else do you withhold parts of yourself from? You don’t only do it with people you're angry with.
Brenda: On the Separation Behaviors page, I actually ran out of time. It took all 45 minutes for me to thoroughly write about those three people. So I moved on to pg 2.
Brig: Also include your relationship that are not in crisis. Friends, the Eve group, etc… Shyness, hiding parts of who you are, pretending to have it together, pretending NOT to have it together… Give me a couple more on that one for relationships you’re not in some sort of odds with.
4) How you feeling about that Compensatory Behaviors worksheet?
Brenda: Good in terms of thoroughness. Not sure what else I would add.
Brig: I mean how do you feel about those beliefs?
Brenda: Oh! They’re fucked up and shitty, lol
Brig: Girl, I had a clap back for each of them. I will spare you.
Brenda: ‘preciate it.
Brig: So let’s clear that sheet up because them shits are just so far out of integrity with the truth I just want to ask you, not if you believe these things, but do you know these things to be absolute truth? I want you to get that these are not facts. I don’t care what event or experience made you start practicing the beliefs that they are. Some of them are so detached from truth they are moot. So lets look at them so we can say *POOF*, we’re letting these go.
1)What does “safe” mean to you? What exactly are you protecting yourself from? Another layer of separation? You have a shield to protect another shield that protects a third shield and so on… You’re like Fort Knox!
Brenda: LOL
Brig: 1b) If no one is using you for their benefit then what worth does your life have? What is the primary belief beneath this aversion to being taken advantage of?
Brenda: I’m not even entirely sure how I got this paranoid either.
Brig: I suspect it might be a belief that you have a limited amount to give and will run out if people use you without some sort of transactional reciprocation. This is not unconditional love. This is very conditional love. If you want it, you gotta be it. (As above, so below…) You could be mastering expanding your capacity instead of hoarding yourself away in the land of unfulfilled purpose.
Let me quantify this. I’m not saying let people run all over you. I’m saying stop believing you can be stolen from, diminished, used up, depleted by anyone or anything but your own mind’s choice of vibration. You can respond to people’s behavior without it meaning you are a victim.
Brenda: Understood. Safe means not being harmed. Logically, it’s irrational fear since pain is unavoidable. But without it, joy would be less meaningful. Okay. Thank you.
Brig: Actually a great deal of the pain you suffer is indeed unavoidable. Gotta run, will continue later…
[TWO DAYS LATER]
Brig: Ok, shall we continue?
Brenda: Yes, please.
Brig: Taking into account all that you’ve observed in that exercise, I want you to scroll back and look at the telling of your story last week and eliminate any part of it that is not an absolute truth. Anything that is opinion, emotion, blame, or shame, eliminate. And then re-tell it with just the facts. Like the first step of sharing a frame. What happened. Nothing more, nothing less. So you will be telling ONLY what happened. What she did. What you did. We’ll get to the rest. I want you, for now, to tell a clean story without all the baggage.
Do not include your theories about motivation. Do not include what you made her actions mean. Just share exactly what happened and only that. It will help to ask yourself with every step, “Is this absolute, indisputable truth, or did I attach this meaning?” And leave anything out that does not ring as absolute truth. Just the facts.
Brenda: In August 2012 she came to visit me in DC for a weekend. When she left, I received an email I didn’t understand; I didn’t ask any questions about it. In December 2012, I received another email in which she said I disrespected her. She said I 1)waited until the last minute to tell her about my other friend coming, 2)cursed her out in front of the other friend, 3) treated her just like her estranged finance by not accompanying her while she did some sightseeing, 4)don’t have boundaries, 5) came onto her sexually. She ended the email by telling me not to talk to her. In March 2013, she texted to ask if we could talk. I bookended by conversation with her by calling my sponsor before and afterwards. I told her that what hurt me most is that she never once chose to speak with me directly. I mentioned the fact that all of the misunderstandings could have been resolved with a simple face to face discussion. I reminded her that in the past, when there were issues, I always brought them to her attention so we could hash it out. I apologized for leaving her to sightsee alone and told her that if I’d been aware that my actions mirrored those of her fiancé, that I would've made amends immediately. I told her I wish she would have confronted me in the moment when she felt I was saying or doing something out of character. I also told her that nobody else knows what’s going on with me but me. I can’t recall anything else.
Brig: What about the telling your business?
Brenda: Yeah she did that between leaving my place in DC until sending that letter in December. Apparently , she’s still doing that.
Brig: Ok. That’s the facts. Let’s have a look at the next piece. And I’m going to remind you first that there is a difference between being victimized and identifying yourself as a victim.
Brenda: Got it.
Brig: Ok. Next. Using a series of single words, list the emotions you felt. For example, sad, afraid, injured, betrayed. But just the emotion, not the resulting impact. Just the facts of what you felt without all of the story you attached to those emotions. Like the second step of sharing a frame.
Brenda: I felt sad, hurt, angry, betrayed, resentful, ashamed, disappointed, disheartened, hopeless, and confused.
Brig: Good. Thank you. NOW, tell me the choices you made in response to those emotions. In other words, you felt these emotions and then decided what? What did you do? What did you choose to believe?
Brenda: I cried, I spoke with my meditation mentor, who said I’m too hard on myself; I talked with a spiritual confidant, let him read her words, and then discussed how I felt. I journaled a lot. I respected her request not to be contacted. I shared about it in Alanon with other members as well as my sponsor. I intentionally said prayers of blessing, naming her. After we spoke in March, when I started feeling hurt and angry again, I chose not to force myself to spend time with her. I chose not to speak badly of her to any of our mutual friends. In fact only when one friend asked specific questions about the situation did I ever disclose it to any of them. I chose to unfollow her on FB so she wouldn’t pop up in my timeline. I chose not to block or unfriend her because I felt that would be immature and petty. I also didn’t know if we’d ever be able to reconcile, so I chose not to act out in ways that would make it impossible for us to be on good terms.
Brig: You are missing a LOT on this step. Go back and look at the story as you originally told it to me. Look at the things you wrote that didn’t make it into your summary of the facts, nor into your summary of your emotions. What did you choose to make what happened mean about her, about yourself, about your life, and relationships? What did you choose to believe? What did you choose to disconnect from?
Brenda: Ah… I chose to believe that she was neither a good friend to me in the present, nor could she have ever truly been a real friend to me at all in order to have stabbed me in the back like that. I chose to cut off communication with her and to only respond if she initiated it. I chose not to ever trust her again or disclose any of my personal business with her. I chose to make her wrong in order to justify my feelings. I chose to be even more selective about the people I allowed in my life. I chose to be my most vulnerable primarily with either program people or the ladies in the WENTU group. I chose to keep most other folks at a distance with the exception of a small handful.
Brig: Thank you. Using the words “stabbed me in the back,” is a dramatization. Based on the facts only please. You could include that in the things you chose to make what happened mean though. *smiles*
Brenda: Rewrite: I decided she could not ever have been my friend if choosing to talk about me to other people instead of addressing her issues with me was her idea of dealing with the problem. I chose to perceive the situation as a grand betrayal. I chose to view her actions as being a stab in the back.
Brig: Beautiful. NOW. Here comes the hardest part…
Brenda: Yay!
Brig: Let’s have a look at your choices
Brenda: Fun
Brig: “ahhhh I chose to believe that she was neither a good friend to me in the present, nor could she have ever truly been a real friend to me at all.” Is this true Does choosing to believe this serve you? These will be simple yes or no answers. And respond from your higher self rather than your ego.
Brenda: That’s the tough part. My ego is very loudly shouting in my ears. No it’s not true and it doesn’t serve me to believe it.
Brig: “I chose to cut off communication with her and to only respond if she initiated it.” What is the belief you based this choice on? Is it true and does the belief or the choice serve you?
Brenda: The belief was that if I can’t trust her, then there’s nothing for us to talk about. However, if she chooses to reach out, then I can at least be civil.
Brig: And did that belief serve you? And did the choice you made in response to the belief serve you? Remember we’re not searching for “right” answers. We’re searching for the truth. If you have trouble on this one look at what cost vs. benefits are present.
Brenda: I feel in coined to say, yes, it’s true, and yes it serves me. Really don’t know why I’d strum up conversation with someone I deem untrustworthy.
Brig: Good. Ok. Next one. “I chose to make her wrong in order to justify my feelings.” Let’s assume she was out of line. Did this choice of response serve your? And which of your feelings in this statement were disputable enough in your own head that you needed to justify them?
Brenda: I don’t think any of my thoughts were disputable, per se; the justification was more for hiding onto resentment instead of letting it go.
Brig: Is the concept of one of you being right and the other wrong, disputable? Didn’t she dispute it? Didn’t she see it differently?
Brenda: It did not serve me to replay the events in my head and always make her “wrong” because that decision caused me to stay stuck in the past with an event I could never change. Yes, she saw nothing wrong with her actions and basically justified her reasons for talking to others instead of coming directly to me.
Brig: Beautiful. So the idea of her wrongness does not stand independently of your perspective, which is colored by how you would have preferred her to behave.
Brenda: Right. I mean, yes.
Brig: So let’s go back for a moment. In the original story, you speak of being hurt. Were you actually injured or harmed directly by her behavior, or were you hurt by what you made her behavior mean? And this is where you want to remember what I told you… Whenever you feel dis-ease, unrest, powerlessness, overwhelm, etc… there is somewhere in the way you are thinking that is out of integrity with the truth of who you are. This is always true. No matter what’s going on around you. No matter what you think is causing your upset.
Brenda: Well, even gossip is harmless when I rest in the truth of who I am, so since I didn’t lose anything really and wasn’t actually injured, then yes, the meaning I gave her actions hurt me more than what she actually did.
Brig: Ok. Thank you. Very good. With that in mind, who is responsible for your pain and suffering?
Brenda: Moi
Brig: How do you feel about that? There are some beliefs about yourself which you did not mention…
-the believe that you are fragile and can be harmed by someone not living up to your expectations
-the belief that you have literally been harmed
-the believe that you are entitled to ever trust anyone who is a human being to be infallible
-the belief that you cannot tolerate other people’s imperfection
-the believe that your imperfection is intolerable (as within so without)
-the belief that other people owe you perfection
-the belief that any circumstance you don’t like is an attack rather than a blessing that is designed for you
Brenda: Himmm….I know it’s true, but my ego is unsatisfied. And at the same time, I have no desire to keep reliving this singular moment in time. So, now what?
Brig: -the believe that your ego’s satisfaction is more important that your overall peace of mind
Brenda: How do I reclaim my life and move on?
Brig: You practice disavowing yourself from beliefs you know good and well are not true. They are superstitions created to satisfy your ego. So now what you do in this case is 1) release all of the bullshit and tell the story truthfully 2) own your self-abuse and stop blaming her for it 3) form a better, more compassionate relationship with yourself including a vow to stop the self-abuse 4)You make the amends you need to make with this person. *grins* -for blaming her for your pain. You could have just disconnected and got on with your life peacefully without the suffering. Instead you made her your monster. 5) Forgive yourself and that that shit go. How about you start by rewriting the story now as it really was. And give yourself time to sit with that.
I think you could also benefit from making amends to the rest of your friends because had you stuck to just the parts that were true, and which served you, y’all could have totally continued to hang out and you and she just wouldn’t be best friends, but could be around each other at least. And understand here, amends are about correcting a breech in integrity, setting things straight, realigning with the truth, and what serves you. And in this case that means recovering your friendships and social life in what ways you are able so that you won’t continue to suffer needlessly. It’s not a contest. You are choosing that no one is condemned so as to not condemn yourself. You make amends for YOU. How does that feel?
<silence>
Brig: In order to do any of this you will have to diligently apply everything you’ve been learning in ACIM and the Kybalion. And it is my theory that at the root of your expressed resistance to those studies is the avoidance of having to apply them in your life to things like this.
Brenda: Feels like I wish we could’ve just handled this like men—with our fist
Brig: Oh, we are still indulging your ego? She was not invited to this conversation! You can do this and you know you can, and you know that you must if you are to get free. Tell your ego to guck off and stop following it into misery. It only wants to keep you in a mental state of separation from The All. Do a desire inventory on this. Get real clear about what you want. At the end of it will most likely be the words, “I want to be free, connected, or unafraid”. You're true desires have nothing to do with being right and making that person wrong, more to they have anything to do with getting vengeance. And safety is a nonexistent compensation for having the courage to face your fears and annihilate them.
Brenda: I also don’t want to hang out with her either. feel as if I’d always be watching my words lest there were another misunderstanding. I just reread your instructions. I can rewrite the story without all the melodrama and sit with a willingness to do everything else. *sigh* How would a desire inventory on this even begin? Because I’m feeling all of the resistance right now and really, really, really, really, really don’t wanna make amends to her. (Yes I know that is my ego speaking. Telling her to fuck off is still in process.)
Brig: Yes. All of the rest requires you to rewrite the story and agree to your peace of mind being more important than your ego. You are attached to appeasing your ego because you use it to compensate for not experiencing true freedom. At least you can be “right” and make her a “villain” is the motivation. But it causes you to suffer. So what you’re choosing is to suffer. And if you truly want to be done with it, then all of that bullshit has to go. You are now clear about why you still suffer. Now be clear that if you don’t let it go, you are powerfully choosing to continue to suffer. Every circumstance that comes your way is a gift for you from the universe… a piece of the components of building your expansion.
You could see her as love in the form of an invitation to master telling more powerful stories. You could see her as love in the form of an invitation to master powerfully and peaceably addressing conflict. You could see her as love in the form of an invitation to free yourself. And if you choose not to see her as these things, you will repeat the pattern of drawing the same invitations to yourself until you choose to see them as invitations rather than attacks.
You want to be free, feel more powerful, feel more independent, then you will have to choose what will free you, what will sustain your power, what untethers your emotional state from the actions of others.
Everything you want requires you to be the kind of person who has these things. You aren’t going to find treasure in a pile of shit. . *grins* You are currently dependent on vengeance thoughts and for what? What are you gaining there? Sit with it. You did good! I am confident that you understand all of this and that you can feel it resonate in you as truth. The only thing left is to choose a different story. The key word: CHOOSE
Choose your master.
Brenda: Got it. Thank you.
Brig: Don’t rush it. Just let this be a moment where you learn to simultaneously understand how to compassionately acknowledge your emotions, while also choosing what serves you best.
Brenda: I feel you. My sponsor used to say that all the program asks of us is willingness; if we didn’t have that then we could ask for the willingness to be willing. I can do that.
In our last “episode,” Brenda was given some challenges to take on. We reconvene the next day…
Brenda: Looks like I’ll be seeing this woman next week. It appears we were both invited to he same event and each RSVP’d, yes. Test Day. I am the light of the world. Forgiveness is my function.
Brig: Hahahahaha Big Mama has spoken. Now is the time to use all of the things you have learned. Believing is one thing. Knowing, recognizing the truth is another level above belief. And BEING is the ultimate path you want to be on. Put that shit in your fear inventory every day until it feels less potent. Put your highest desires for freedom and peace in your desire inventory until you don’t desire to punch her in the neck. GET YO STORY REWRITTEN. Do your practices EVERY DAY. And then, when you see her, interact with her as the person you REALLY want to be, rather than the defensive, vengeful, injured victim your ego wants you to be. Don’t make the goal to make amends. Just make the goal to interact with compassion and grace. Also, as I’m writing up the first portion of the transcript of our interaction, something else occurs to me to share with you.
You said she felt her boundaries were violated. You said, ‘grownups are supposed to be able to talk about sex and that prior to telling her you were bi, she didn’t have a problem with [talking openly about sex]. Grown ups actually are supposed to be able to CONSENSUALLY talk about sex. And talking about it with you before she knew you were bi, is no different from us talking about it in [the women’s group]. Talking about it after she knew you were bi, is for her, like talking about sex with a man who might be attracted to her. Two totally different situations and she was clearly not comfortable with that. Now, imagine yourself as a straight woman in an intimate conversation with someone online, who you thought was a straight woman who after many intimate conversations confesses to be a straight man, or a lesbian. If you are straight you might not be comfortable being intimate in conversation with them because it blurs the lines, and sends mixed signals.
This scenario, from where I sit is EASILY misconstrued as you being predatory even if you didn’t mean to be. I can understand why it made her uncomfortable. At best there was insensitivity on your part for not disclosing this before engaging in such intimate conversations. Here is a place where you can also look compassionately at how she might have felt tricked, or might have felt sexually harassed by your choices. And if you refused to see that, think about all the men in the world we give shit to about doing similar things. I don’t speak intimately with my friends about sex unless they are comfortable with it.
It’s not my place to judge or push or insist. And it is my responsibility ask permission, and be super aware of the other person’s comfort rather than focusing on what it is I want to talk about.
Even if you didn’t mean any harm, it is easy, from that perspective to see how harm could be perceived. If you didn’t know her feelings about being friends with someone bi, you didn’t know her well enough to be talking intimately about sex. This is why when I entered the women’s group, one of the first things I did was out my sexuality. It’s called “safe porting” in orgasmic meditation, and it is essential in any intimate interaction if you desire to avoid the other person feeling violated. Had you been a man concealing that he was a man, and she were to tell this story, people would indeed label him as a predator or at least not completely disclosing who he was… not allowing her to choose what she wanted with all of the information.
So there’s that piece to consider as well. This whole thing is a clusterfuck of two people who should have made some different choices. You should be more up front with people about being bi before being intimate in conversation. She should be more up front about expressing her discomfort. And in whatever way you energetically expect to be entitled in the situation…(“people are supposed to be able to talk about sex…”), you communicated energetically that she could not opt out of intimacy without destroying your friendship. I believe that if the two of you were to own ALL of your contributions to the split, you might even be friends again.
Not that you have to, but I’m just saying, this entire thing feels in my bones to be much ado about very little or nothing. Sit with all of that and see how you feel about it… check for resonance.
Brenda: That’s the thing, I did tell her I was bi. She was fully aware as I had already disclosed it, and we had discussed things of a sexual nature after she knew. I do not talk to everyone about sex, either. I’m also not the only bi, gay, or lesbian person she knows. If my disclosure changed how she perceived me, she should have spoken on that. There’s no way I would've known otherwise. Plus, the reason I asked her about sex in the first place is because she’s had way more of it than me, which she also knew. And, since I was sleeping with an older man at that time, I wanted some suggestions to explore with him.
Brig: All of what you just wrote is about your perspective and some of it only serves to invalidate hers. But you can’t actually invalidate hers and be at peace. (Judgement) She clearly felt some sort of violation and whether you meant there to be or whether you understand why she felt that way or not, doesn’t change that she felt it. You were once friends and you had some level of respect for her as a person. Your compassion should come from there and not from whether you understand why she felt that way and whether you agree or believe it to be true.
Rather than this being a situation that is a battle over whose feelings are right, it could have been an opportunity to better understand each other. She may have gone about it in a way that didn’t serve that, but she is human and has fears and maybe didn’t know how to tell you how she felt. Or maybe wasn’t completely clear about it herself, and sought advice or support by talking about it with someone else.
I’m just saying it’s not as cut and dry as the story you’ve been telling where there is o representation of the whole other half of the story…hers. The point is not about who gets the blame. The point is everybody gets the blame or nobody does.
Brenda: I here you AND, this shit is making me mad all over again, which is preciselywhy the fuck I don’t want to see her.
Brig: You say you are mad. I say you are afraid and your anger is a mask for the fact that you are really sad that you lost a friend and that you r social dynamics were affected in a significant way. You’re really sad about that. And you’re afraid of being responsible for any of it. Because to feel responsible for any of it holds meaning for you that you are avoiding. For you it would mean you were “wrong”, and everybody will think you’re and asshole. But you werent’ wrong. There is a difference between owning your part in the creation of something, and being wrong or a bad person. And you don’t know what your friends will think if you own your part. You don’t even know what SHE will think. She might be so moved as to own her part too. And then the whole silly thing gets buried completely as a big fat NOTHING. And even if she doesn’t, you owning your part is part of freeing yourself from the victim role. The second part is to own that you made your invincible self a victim, not she. These two things will free you.
Brenda: At this point, the friendship doesn’t even feel worth saving; my freedom, however, definitely is.
Brig: As you are judging it presently I would agree. But I don’t believe your judgement of it is completely sound. I believe it to be very much tainted by a perceived need to defend your ground. Principle of polarity… opposites are differing degrees of the same thing. You have dedicated several years to a relationship that you say isn't worth it. Your actions don’t match your words. The relationship clearly mattes to you or you’re being obsessive. I think it matters to you. If it doesn’t matter it never did and so what’s all the fuss about? You can walk right up to her and be pleasant and polite and friendly because it doesn’t amatter. Just saying…
To have so much to unpack about something that you say has no worth.. I don’t buy it for a second.
Have you cursed me out yet?
If you haven’t then I’m not doing my job as your exorcist.
Brenda: LOL! Think I’ve been too preoccupied with damning this whole situation and being in it at all to come up with curses for you.
Brig: You are doing really gorgeous digging and this shit ain’t easy nor is it commonly addressed in this way. That’s why we have a society where Real Housewives and Love and Hip Hop reflect reality.
It’s a pivotal moment for you.
Brenda: I’ll rejoice when I’m on the other side of this particular heaping pile of shit and dealing with something entirely different, ha!
Brig: I’m here to speak into what’s possible rather than to entertain what has been. I don’t know if you remember my reopens to that post about rewriting… But remember I said that I had a story that needed rewriting but didn’t have time to rehash it out so, “Fuck it, it’s rewritten.” That’s what’s possible. And you will get there and it won’t be hard at all anymore.
Brenda: Yep. I recall that. Badass.
Brig: Now? I’m just like, “I don’t like this story. Is it the whole truth? No? Fuckit.”
Brenda: I receive that knowing full well I still need to make it through this first.
Brig: Just giving you something in your sights so you know where you’re heading. Let this be a focus in your daily practices. Don’t be tempted to push it away. Don’t distract yourself from it. Let yourself get good and sick and tired of being sic and tired of it. And spend some time with your inner child who is the part of you who is the most afraid and the most desiring to love unconditionally.
Brenda: Damn. I havent’ taken her swinging yet, and there’s a playground down the street. Thanks for the reminder.
Brig: We abandon the inner child so we don’t have to be joyful and hopeful and playful and loving unconditionally. So we can be negative, pessimistic, and goal oriented and judgmental. The more time you spend honoring her the easier this will get. Play, snuggle, laugh, do innocent things just to be nice.
Brenda: Man… I may need to masturbate again.
Brig: Enjoy that too.
***Return to Deeper Dive: Meaning Making to complete the assignment